Welcome to my blogs. I write them for myself and only myself. They will tell my story, somehow, so when I read them in the future, I will know how I came to be. Sometimes, the easiest way to find yourself, is to look inside your past- and into your soul.
   

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Fear less, hope more;
Whine less, breathe more;
Talk less, say more;
Hate less, love more;
And all good things are yours." - Swedish Proverb


"You must be the change you want to see in the world"
-Mahatma Gandhi


"After the storm, the pessimists look for the clouds, while the optimists look for the sun."
-Felipe Canizares


These are the quotes I live by.
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Thursday, October 15, 2009
MOVING

My blog has moved to the address

 

sara-dreams-deeper.blogspot.com

 

It is time for bigger and better things!

It was great here, goodbye.

Posted at 11:52 pm by nesbinator
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Saturday, October 03, 2009
tragedy calls

The rain brings tragedy they say
In a huge, gigantic package with
Enough tears to make the entire world cry
Lovers apart, seperated forevermore
Marriage vows broken,
Death calls
Beckons you with a huge grin
Life was beautiful, but it's over now.

I'm sick of death.
I'm sick of rejection.
I'm sick of lost friendships and broken promises and cruelty and tears and sorrow and sadness and anger and embarassement and anxiety and shy-ness and the fact that no one cares.
I'm sick of loneliness and I'm sick of selfishness and I'm sick of lazyness.
I'm sick of beauty and false happiness and cover-ups.
I'm sick of those fake smiles and I'm sick of pretending.
I'm sick of parties and I'm sick of drinking and I'm sick of being a teenager and I'm sick of going out.
I'm sick of my friends and my family and sometimes I even get sick of you.
But most of all, I'm sick of myself and how I always make it to seem about me.
When it's not.
I wasn''t then
And it isn't now,
It's never about me.
That is why I am sick of myself with my sick ideas and sick thoughts and sick hopes and sick dreams and sick realities.

Grow Up. Move on.

but most of all,
Fake it.

Aren't you sick of it already?

Posted at 11:41 pm by nesbinator
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Monday, September 21, 2009
Don't Get Me Wrong, Dear, In General I Am Doing Quite Fine...

"We don't laugh at jokes, we laugh at tragedies"
Life is so easily thrown away,
Realized one day, early morning
The sun shining down on possibly everything that lives
And a forgotten soul, a ended life
Lying on the curb of the sidewalk,
Displayed for the world to see,
Vulnerable to it's enemies... Not even left in peace.
Tears and Shame indude Clumsiness or Anxiety
Induced by petty behaviors and rude societies
A rude, rude generation
Not ours, but the one before
Who suffer from a serious case of age-ism
And the mountains cry
They weep and moan, begging to be heard by those who simply cannot see
A simple beauty, one that bring understanding to the lost & confused
Suffering, they beg, for Forgiveness or Hope
And the smoky haze unfurls all around him
As he shouts out his deperate pleas
Where she refuses with a laugh, not even looking back
And those whom possess no home
Shout out pain to those who just want to be loved
They just want to be loved, do you hear?
And she says, "I can sing this song so blue, that you will cry in spite of you."
The streets may be empty
And the heart may be lost
The empty walls and never-ending silence may still be silently beckoning you in
Yet you continute to let it in
I want to let you in? Not anymore when a hero was found
And the days pass
The sun rises in the East and sets in the West
The clouds move at a never-ending speed
Yet life goes on... despite it all

Close your eyes and open them once more, they are waiting for you.

 

Posted at 02:06 am by nesbinator
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Thursday, September 03, 2009
Look

Numbers inspire you to
go absolutely crazy

With one thought there
And the other one anywhere
Drifting,changing, remembering, hoping, dreading, crying

The tears wish to come
But for what ridiculous reason?

Why must you cry, when you already have everything?

Posted at 11:10 pm by nesbinator
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Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sitting on Sidewalks Watching The World Go By

nevermind

Posted at 05:57 pm by nesbinator
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Tuesday, August 25, 2009
a FORMER best friend.

Re-invention is the latest form of therapy
Be inspired to inspire
motivate.change.embrace.

Re-invention is the easiest way to forget you
Your ways, your laugh & smile
forget. let go. ignore

Re-invent me. Change me. Love me. Hate me. Ignore Me. Forget me. Remember me. Come to me. Hear me. Hurt Me. Know me. Want me. Duplicate me. Re-ignite me.

 

I understand me.

Posted at 09:40 pm by nesbinator
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Thursday, August 06, 2009
Teenage Angst.

Welcome to the world of teenage angst
Where worries overcome purpose and rationality
When they aren't even justified

Afterall, when do we justify?
I change my mind, we don't need to
Maybe we should let our thoughts run wild and free
Into a field where nothing matters

The land of  unfinished thoughts
All with the potential for greatness
Some with the mighty potential of destruction

It's amazing how words can heal the frazzled mind
Calm, soft words that might not neccessary be true

but for the moment
they induce calm
bring temporary happiness
and make you believe its lasting

oh the power of  loyalty
can go a long way

only if you believe in it

running around in circles again

Posted at 12:33 am by nesbinator
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Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Remember those myspace surveys?

Who in your phone has a heart after their name?
no one

What are you doing tomorrow?
i am not sure at all

What shirt are you wearing?
urban outfitters and old navy

How many pillows on your bed?
1 here, 4 at home

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
well I am not home now, but formy temporary home, I went to the park

Has someone ever told you they love you and you didn't say it back?
yup, you smile and say thank you
or if you don't like them, you say nothing at all

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?
for sure:)

Is anyone else in the room with you?
kind of

What's your favorite drink?
water

Would you be able to date someone who doesn't make you laugh?
i have no idea

What was the first thing you thought of this morning?
that is so R rated

Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
I missmiss someone, for having not to see them in a long time
and I trulymiss someone, who has not graced my life with their presence for the longest time

What is the last movie you watched in a theater?
ouf ice age 3 I think

Who did you last go out to eat with?
patrick,
well i ate:P

How's your life lately?
it is quite happier than before

When was the last time you laughed so hard you couldn't breathe?
I think at the Coldplay concert a few days ago

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don't talk to at all anymore?
yes,there are more than one

Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
yes

Have you found someone you really like?
yes, more than one

What do you hear right now?
my dad's extremely loud voice

How are you feeling?
hot, hungry,happy

Have you seen anyone you knew and purposely avoided them?
yes, kind of

Think of the last time you were REALLY angry when was it?
hm, a few weeks ago

Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
yes

Will tomorrow be better than today?
everyday is good here:)

What do you bite on more, your tongue, lip, or nails?
my inner cheek

Do you trust all your friends?
no, unfortunately

Will your next kiss be a mistake?
no of course not!

Are you happy at the moment?
yes, for once:)

Do you ever get shy around the boy/girl you like?
haha sometimes yes.

Last thing you bought?
art supplies

Last time you were scared?
for once i don't really remember

Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?
i used to, now I have some good ones

Do you like reading?
very much so

What are your plans for this weekend? Who will you hangout with?
being in new york , driving to south carolina, being in south carolina!
i'll be  hanging out with my family yo

Do you tell your mom everything?
no

Are you enemies with a former friend?
i don't really have any enemies

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
yes

Regrets?
some

Has anyone ever crawled through your window?
yes I have

What is something you're currently frustrated about?
some of my friends
but it's not worth it
I am just dissapointed with humanity and myself

How many wives/husbands do you want?
1

Do you hate the last girl you had a conversation with?
who was it? steph? no, not at all!

Who was the last person you yelled at?
my brother probably?

Who was the last person you cried in front of?
i was alone

Have you told anybody you loved them today?
no, not today yet
but everyday yes

Did you speak to your mother today?
mmyes I did

Do you have plans for tomorrow?
didn't you already ask this?

Does the last person you held hands with, mean something to you?
yes, very much so

Are you close with your mom?
not really

Who was the last person in your bedroom?
shannon or my parents

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
my grandfather

Were you happy when you woke up today?
well yes I was, but I also longed for something-someone

Do you need to say anything to anyone?
well of course, don't we all?

Are you typically a jealous person?
i try not to be, but sometimes I cannot help it, to be honest.

Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
yes

If I looked under your bed, what would I find?
dust

Sleep on your back or stomach?
it depends how i am feeling that night

What time did you go to sleep last night?
1 am or so

Ever talked to someone that was drunk?
of course, i justtalked to my mom and aunt tonight who were ahahaha

Where were you at 3:02 AM this morning?
asleep in my yellow room
:)

Do you wet the toothbrush before the toothpaste?
no, the opposite

Do you like anyone?
yes, of course I do

What's your favorite class?
english, or when I had advanced writing it was that class

What song did you last listen to?
the scientist by coldplay

Have you ever broken a toe?
i don't think so

Are your nails painted?
nope

What's your favorite brand of shoes?
euh? I dont know

In the past month have you done an illegal drug?
nope.

Have your parents ever smoked weed?
yes they have and I know that for a fact haha

Have you ever ridden a horse?
yes, I loved it

Do you ever get car sick?
sometimes

Have you ever kissed under fireworks?
no, not yet:)

Who do you text the most?
the ninja

Have you ever made a snow man?
yes i think i did with the brothers this winter

Do you prefer sliding down a slide or swinging on swings?
I like swings, but I like getting stuck in a slide too

Are you sick a lot?
yes:(

Do you have a male that you can trust with your whole life?
almost.

What's your favorite activity in gym class?
when the bell rings and it's over

Is it easy to make you cry?
yes, very easy.

When's the last time you fell asleep watching a movie?
every single time I watched one

Are you feeling guilty about anything right now?
not really

Who is the last person you got a text from?
i have no idea, haven't used my phone in days

Are you texting anyone?
no

Are you excited for winter?
kind of, to spend it with a certain person

Have you kissed/hugged anyone in the last 24 hours?
yes

How many cellphones have you had?
1

Do you have any nicknames?
yes many

Do you think you're wasting your time on the person you like?
no
What do you do when you're having a bad day?
i complain, eat a long and wallow in my self pity

If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?
im not sureI would, because each year makes me who I am even more

Would you rather text or IM?
instant message

Purple or green grapes?
purple

What time did you wake up this morning?
10:53 am

Have you ever thrown your cell phone in anger?
notreally

Could you go a day without eating?
i have already when I did the 30 hour famine and when I didnt feel like eating that one day

Do you write notes on your body?
i write little mental reminders

Why did you last cry?
because I was frustrated with my father, with the world, with humanity

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
yes and no

Have you ever kissed someone who was high or drunk?
hahahahahah yes

Have you ever had someone pick you up off the ground & carry you, why?
yes, because he was trying to show off how strong he was:P orjust make me happy

Do you get mad or get even?
mad i suppose

When is the next time you'll kiss someone?
in two weeks:)

Have you ever kissed someone you weren't dating?
haha yes

Did any particular thing brighten up your day today?
playing with my family in the park and actually having things go right for once

Did you go outside for more than thirty minutes today?
yes ,much more

How has the past week been for you?
extremely good

Was your last relationship a good one?
it doesnt count

How was the last party you went too?
it was alright:)

Posted at 10:45 pm by nesbinator
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Monday, July 20, 2009
Here. Right Now.

They say when something life-altering occurs that you have to capture it in the moment, write it down, so you can never let it go.
It will be the only way to preserve the memory, especially with a mind like this one, prone to forgetting what hurts the most.
What's broken is broken and no matter how many times you try and fix it, no matter how many times you pretend like all is well, sometimes it will never be whole again. It hurts and it really does hurt when your family is broken and you can see behind their eyes, behind their yells ,behind the pointless arguments, that really they are fed up, sick and tired of eachother, this reality, this life.
Not knowing what to do, never knowing anything else, it becomes a vicious cycle of false happiness and arguments, false happiness and arguments, never stopping, never ending, a long circle, just going around and around.
We are all miserable and we know it.
We are all caught in our own selfpity, and hell, how we ever do know it.
We all want what we want, and we do care about the other people, but not enough to let it stand in the way of (what we think) we truly desire.
Maybe I am wrong, Maybe I am being completely ridiculous or stupid or ignorant or dumb or fake or selfish as I am constantly told (either as a joke or seriously) by many on a daily basis.
Maybe that is who I am , just another dumb teenager with a case of too much angst, who overthinks and analyzes what is typical in everyhome. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. But wait, I already are one, aren't I?

Maybe I try just so hard to make others around me happy that in the end, nothing works out and that they mix up my intentions.
In here, in my head, after arguing for years, after all of this pain for years, it has just become a confused mess of unknown heartbreaks and lost answers. Trying to find yourself leads you nowhere, you just keep on traveling down a pointless road which you know has no end and no result, but you stupidly keep following it anyway. Any attempts at self-improvement are lost because well, it won't matter anyway.
I know, no one said life was easy, but fuck it, I think I'd rather die.

I guess that doesn't make methe best human being, oh yeah and don't forget my incredibly selfishness and stupidity, you can't go wrong with that.

They say you have to capture a thought in the moment. so you can look back and reference and know where you went wrong. I know I went wrong. I know I always went wrong. Basically, this whole life is wrong.

Posted at 07:11 pm by nesbinator
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Saturday, July 04, 2009
Based on Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World

I never said thank you for that
So lucky, so careful, so free

What would you think of me now?
To you beautiful, strong and graced with freedom

I never said thank you for that
I never said thank you for that

Posted at 01:42 am by nesbinator
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