They say when something life-altering occurs that you have to capture it in the moment, write it down, so you can never let it go.
It will be the only way to preserve the memory, especially with a mind like this one, prone to forgetting what hurts the most.
What's broken is broken and no matter how many times you try and fix it, no matter how many times you pretend like all is well, sometimes it will never be whole again. It hurts and it really does hurt when your family is broken and you can see behind their eyes, behind their yells ,behind the pointless arguments, that really they are fed up, sick and tired of eachother, this reality, this life.
Not knowing what to do, never knowing anything else, it becomes a vicious cycle of false happiness and arguments, false happiness and arguments, never stopping, never ending, a long circle, just going around and around.
We are all miserable and we know it.
We are all caught in our own selfpity, and hell, how we ever do know it.
We all want what we want, and we do care about the other people, but not enough to let it stand in the way of (what we think) we truly desire.
Maybe I am wrong, Maybe I am being completely ridiculous or stupid or ignorant or dumb or fake or selfish as I am constantly told (either as a joke or seriously) by many on a daily basis.
Maybe that is who I am , just another dumb teenager with a case of too much angst, who overthinks and analyzes what is typical in everyhome. Maybe I'm just being a drama queen. But wait, I already are one, aren't I?

Maybe I try just so hard to make others around me happy that in the end, nothing works out and that they mix up my intentions.
In here, in my head, after arguing for years, after all of this pain for years, it has just become a confused mess of unknown heartbreaks and lost answers. Trying to find yourself leads you nowhere, you just keep on traveling down a pointless road which you know has no end and no result, but you stupidly keep following it anyway. Any attempts at self-improvement are lost because well, it won't matter anyway.
I know, no one said life was easy, but fuck it, I think I'd rather die.

I guess that doesn't make methe best human being, oh yeah and don't forget my incredibly selfishness and stupidity, you can't go wrong with that.

They say you have to capture a thought in the moment. so you can look back and reference and know where you went wrong. I know I went wrong. I know I always went wrong. Basically, this whole life is wrong.